I have been blessed to be in a pretty good place right now. I am getting back on my feet, I have an incredible job, I have family and friends who love me, and who I love back, I have a happy cat. I have a great place to live, my needs are all met, and really things are going quite well.
But why do I feel like I am lost?
I am terrified I am not good enough to be at my job. Now, logically, I do not actually believe that, but while I am still learning, I feel like I am floundering. I think it is more of a feeling that I am having because I never really had a job before that I felt as blessed to be at. Shaw came close, but this is so different. The whole ethos just is fantastic. So now I feel like I actually have something to lose, I am terrified I am going to lose it.
But maybe it is me self-sabotaging myself?
This would not be new. My fear and self consciousness has gotten in my way for years. I am my own worst enemy. But I have direction, and hope, and desires. And this wonderful professional place that I am at right now could really help me with my life goals.
But I am so afraid of failure.
I spend my time at work afraid that they are going to come up to me and be like… ‘yea, so uh… you suck get out’. And I know… (yes, I’m breaking my don’t write about work rule but whatever) its probably not true… But I am still in my learning curve, and feel so lost. Could have something to do about working a lot of nights alone. I don’t know. I just feel stupid.
But is it justified?
Logically speaking, it is just my mind going – hey you have something to lose so FREAK OUT – but it leaves me feeling very uneasy, and unworthy. Maybe once I find my stride I will be ok. It is just a different version of what I have done for years… I just need to calm down.
But what of the future?
I still want to goto school in September, I still want to do the travel writing / photography thing, but I really like where I am at now. Save the overwhelming feeling of impending failure. I think that school and where I am at now will work togeather nicely, as well as allow me to pursue my goals without judgement or condemnation. I still feel scared.
Maybe I am just used to being a big smart fish in a small pond. And now, I’m a minnow, or at least that is how I feel. Or at least that is how I think I feel. Once I have gotten back on my feet, I am going to look at getting professional help. Until then…
I need to breathe.